Nevertheless, I went forth

Even though we are studying the Doctrine and Covenants this year for come follow me, I can’t leave the Book of Mormon entirely. I recently began rereading it. I want my 2021 to be the year that “Nevertheless, I went forth...” What does that look like? I’m not quite sure. I do know I don’t want my fear, limitations, judgments, and a host of distractions to hold me back from showing love to others and becoming who my Heavenly Parents need me to be.

#powerofthebookofmormon #bookofmormon #thebookofmormon

Jesus Christ's visit to Ancient America

I've been pondering a bit about how it would have felt to be alive at the time of Christ's visit to ancient America. ⁠⠀

The people had been through a literal nightmare. Destruction and devastation that I can't even begin to fathom. Death, darkness, and despair. Even those who believed in Jesus Christ were experiencing these awful circumstances. In those desperate moments, did they remember Samuel the Lamanite had prophesied that it would only last three days? Did it seem to go on longer than that? Did they begin to doubt that they would ever be delivered?⁠ Did they begin to feel that Samuel was wrong?⁠⠀
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Then, I can only imagine what that voice from heaven would have sounded and felt like! At first, they didn't understand. But when they turned their faces towards the sound and opened their hearts and minds to hear, they knew Christ was coming.⁠⠀
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And then there He was to rescue them in their circumstances. To bring them hope and light once more. They stood in His presence. He blessed them, healed them, taught them, had compassion on them, and loved them. After such bitter pain, distress, and anguish, I can only imagine the joy, peace, and comfort they felt with their Savior. I can only imagine!!⁠⠀
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#JesusChrist #ComeFollowMe⁠ #ICanOnlyImagine⁠⠀
🖼️ by @jkirkrichards "Every Knee Shall Bow"

Sneaking into Borders and Securing Strongholds

”And thus because of iniquity amongst themselves, yea, because of dissensions and intrigue among themselves they were placed in the most dangerous circumstances.” -Alma 53:9

While reading the account of Pahoran, the king-men, and the freemen, I found many parallels to our time. Although people are not seeking a king, they do seek the same thing the king-men were seeking - power and authority. While fighting amongst themselves, their enemies, the Lamanites, invaded the bordering lands, killing many, taking women and children prisoner, and securing strongholds.

We live in a very turbulent time. There are so many voices, opinions, and causes that vie for our time and attention. Social media makes it almost impossible to wade through what is real and what is not. So much of the information we are barraged with is confusing or altogether unreliable. It’s heartbreaking to see family, friends, and neighbors fighting amongst each other and developing hard feelings where there was once love and mutual respect. I have found myself, at times, feeling distracted towards anger and pride rather than focusing on how I can be loving, tolerant, and focused on my Savior, Jesus Christ.

It’s normal for us to form opinions and to do what we feel is best for ourselves and our families. But we would do well to remember that we are still commanded to be kind and loving. “And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in equity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth the all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” -Moroni 7:45

I am grateful that before any of this, our prophet, Russell M. Nelson, asked us to increase our capacity to receive personal revelation and to focus on how we Hear Him. I know that as we keep our focus on our Savior and His perfect example, we can have peace and hope even during difficult times. 🧡

#comefollowme #comefollowme2020 #thebookofmormon #bookofmormon

A new take on a well-known story

artwork credit

Alma 53:19, “And now behold, as they never had hitherto been a disadvantage to the Nephites, they became now at this period of time also a great support...”

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I’ve never considered this verse before. Probably because it’s smack in the middle of some of the more well-known verses about the stripling warriors.

However, this time, it caught my attention. In speaking about the people of Ammon, we learn that the Nephites had never considered them a disadvantage. The Nephites had taken in the Ammonites and given them lands for their inheritance. Also, from that time forward, they protected them from the Lamanites at great personal cost. But, they had never been considered a disadvantage!

Now, when the Nephites found themselves in “dangerous circumstances,” the Ammonites were able to offer support by way of their young sons. Wow! What a lesson we can learn from this account about our attitude while serving others.

How often do we see meeting another’s needs as a burden or a chore, especially when those needs might come at the cost of our time, talents, or energy? When we minister to those we are assigned, do we see it only as a sacrifice? Do we feel disadvantaged and begrudgingly serve out of a sense of duty?

As I choose to serve with a heart of love and kindness, I build valuable, lasting relationships that can be symbiotic. Service and sacrifice cannot always be reciprocated in like manner, but if my intentions are pure, I can gain strength and hope from individuals I have served when I need it most.
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Artwork credit: They Did Not Doubt by Joseph Brickey
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#comefollowme #comefollowme2020 #theydidnotdoubt #thebookofmormon #bookofmormon

Amelia's First Youth Talk - My Feelings About the Book of Mormon

This lovely young woman spoke as a youth speaker for the first time this past Sunday.  She spent the week prior gathering her thoughts and getting them typed up on the computer.  Saturday, I went through her thoughts with her and we put them in an order that would flow well.  Because she struggles with her reading fluency, she practiced her talk over and over until she felt comfortable.  

Just before the end of 2017, I was called to be the Ward Music Chairman. I was acting as chorister this past Sunday and got to sit on the stand next to her.  As the meeting started, I leaned over to ask her if she was nervous and she said yes.  I reminded her that she could pray and ask Heavenly Father to help her feel calm and confident.  During the passing of the sacrament, I leaned over again and asked her how she felt.  She said she felt calm and ready. And she was! She did a terrific job!

Here is the talk she gave.

In True to the Faith, it says, "When holy men of God write or speak by the power of the Holy Ghost, their words shall be scripture, shall be the will of the Lord, shall be the mind of the Lord, shall be the word of the Lord, shall be the voice of the Lord, and the power of God unto salvation."

This means that the Lord teaches us through the Book of Mormon and other scriptures about how we can be come like him and return to live with him again.

On September 22, 1827, an angel named Moroni - the last Book of Mormon prophet, deliverd these records to the Prophet Joseph Smith.  By the gift and power of God, the Prophet Joseph translated the record into English.  Joseph Smith said that the Book of Mormon is the keystone to our religion.

The primary purpose of the Book of Mormon is to convince all people "that Jesus is the Christ, the Eternal God, manifesting himself unto all nations."

In 2 Nephi, chapter 25, verse 23 and 26, it says, "For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God...  And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins."

I am grateful that ancient prophets wrote the Book of Mormon so that I can know that I can repent and live with my father again.  I am also grateful that I learn about Jesus Christ in the Book of Mormon.

My favorite part of the Book of Mormon is when Jesus Christ comes.  I like that he invited the children to come to him and that he blessed them.  It shows me that even though I wasn't there, if Jesus came today, he would invite me to come to him and he would bless me and he would show me my Heavenly Father's love.

I know the Book of Mormon is true because when I read it I feel a special feeling.  I know that Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon and that he was a prophet of God.  The Book of Mormon teaches us that families can be together forever, and I know that's true.  I know that Presidnet Monson was a true prophet and that he did a lot for us.  I know that Jesus made a way for us to get back to our Heavenly Father.  I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus love me because they look out for me and help me in hard times.

Consecrating our Afflictions

A week or so ago, while my family and I were reading the Book of Mormon, we read 2 Nephi 2:2 

Nevertheless, Jacob, my firstborn in the wilderness, thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain.

Something in this verse struck me, it was this part. "...he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain."

Since, I always want to be clear on what the meaning of particular words are, I googled a couple of them and this is what I found:

Consecrate = make or declare sacred; dedicate formally to a religious or divine purpose. ordain to a sacred office.  Synonyms: sanctify, bless, make holy, make sacred.  More informal devote (something) exclusively to a particular purpose.

Afflictions = pain, suffering, or humiliation

Gain = improve or advance in some respect; a thing that is achieved or acquired.

So in a longer way of saying it,

... he will make your pains, sufferings and humiliations into sacred experiences and they will be for your eternal improvement and advancement.

I added the word "eternal" in there, and I'll explain why.  When I think of something being consecrated, it is done on purpose, it doesn't happen by chance.  I don't believe our struggles in this life become sacred experiences by chance either. They also don't advance us in an eternal perspective unless we allow them to, and some trials we face are so consuming that we won't fully understand their effects in this life.  But, we CHOOSE whether the afflictions we have in this life will help us progress in our eternal journey or whether we will allow them to stunt our growth and our spirituality.

Let's look at an example that is given in the Book of Mormon.  The prophet, Lehi, takes his family and leaves Jerusalem.  They leave almost all of their possessions behind.  The sons (Laman, Lemual, Sam and Nephi) are sent back to Jerusalem a couple of times; once to get the brass plates and another to get Ishmael's family.  Laman and Lemuel murmur and beat up Nephi and Sam at one point.

They travel in the wilderness for years, living off the land.  They have to hunt for their food and they are instructed not to make fires to cook their food.  The women give birth to children in these conditions.  They are led around for many years this way.

Nephi begins to build a ship.  Laman and Lemuel again want to kill him but eventually repent and help with the boat.  While traveling across the ocean, Laman and Lemuel tie up Nephi and threaten to throw him overboard.  A great tempest comes up and they finally let Nephi go.  They make it to the promised land.  Lehi blesses his children and dies.

This whole family had suffered very hard and very real afflictions.  However, how they let these trials affect them personally couldn't be more different.

First, let's look at the reaction of Laman and Lemuel found in 2 Nephi 5:3-4,14:

3 Yea, they did murmur against me, saying: Our younger brother thinks to rule over us; and we have had much trial because of him; wherefore, now let us slay him, that we may not be afflicted more because of his words. For behold, we will not have him to be our ruler; for it belongs unto us, who are the elder brethren, to rule over this people.

 4 Now I do not write upon these plates all the words which they murmured against me. But it sufficeth me to say, that they did seek to take away my life.

14 And I, Nephi, did take the sword of Laban, and after the manner of it did make many swords, lest by any means the people who were now called Lamanites should come upon us and destroy us; for I knew their hatred towards me and my children and those who were called my people.

First, Laman and Lemuel blamed others for their problems.  Then, they allowed their afflictions to make them angry with their younger brother.  In fact, they were so angry that they wanted to kill him.  Even after Nephi, his family and followers left, Laman and Lemuel taught their children to hate and kill those who called themselves the people of Nephi. This pattern continued for generations!  Some people go through struggles and trials and they become bitter, angry, and hard.  That doesn't seem like an improvement to me.

Let's contrast now with Nephi's reaction to the same trials.  Also in 2 Nephi, but now chapter 4 verses, 17-35:

17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. 

18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. 

19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. 

21 He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.

22 He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.

23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.

24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

31 O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?

32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way--but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.

34 O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.

35 Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

Notice the difference?  No anger.  No hate.  No bitterness.  Just a lot of gratitude, rejoicing, and also a heaping dose of wanting to be a better person.

What is the difference?  I believe the difference is instead of focusing on the hardness or pain of our afflictions, we instead focus on keeping the commandments and turning to God, allowing the Atonement of Jesus Christ to heal us.  Through the atonement, we can  rely on Christ to make it all better in the end.

Here are a couple of more scriptures about afflictions

3 And now, O my son Helaman, behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.  (Alma 36:3)

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27 Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success.   (Alma 26:27)

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1 But behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction. (Jacob 3:1)

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11 And thou didst hear me because of mine afflictions and my sincerity; and it is because of thy Son that thou hast been thus merciful unto me, therefore I will cry unto thee in all mine afflictions, for in thee is my joy; for thou hast turned thy judgments away from me, because of thy Son. (Alma 33:11)

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And last, but certainly not least, scripture given to Joseph Smith while he was imprisoned in Liberty Jail.

7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son [or daughter], that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. 

8 The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

9 Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.

There is an awesome talk given by Richard C Edgley back in April 2002 titled, For Thy Good.  The whole talk is worth the read on it's own, but I'll just share this part.  He says:

From our sorrow we might seek out the sweetness and the good that is often associated with and peculiar to our challenge. We can seek out those memorable moments that are frequently hidden by the pain and agony. We can find peace in extending ourselves to others, using our own experiences to provide hope and comfort. And we can always remember with great solemnity and gratitude Him who suffered most to make it all right for us. And by so doing we can be strengthened to bear our burdens in peace. And then, the “works of God” might be manifest.

In speaking of Christ’s Atonement, I like the dictionary’s definition of infinite and eternal because I believe it explains exactly what God meant. Infinite: “Having no boundaries or limits.” And the definition of eternal: “Being without beginning or end”

One of my most favorite quotes from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland is very applicable to this subject, he said,

“Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. ... Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.”

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"The trials and tribulation that we experience may be the very things that guide us to come unto Him and cling to our covenants so that we might return to His presence and receive all that the Father hath."  —Linda S. Reeves, "Claim the Blessings of Your Covenants"

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"The difficulties which come to us present us with the real test of our ability to endure. A fundamental question remains to be answered by each of us: Shall I falter, or shall I finish?"  —Thomas S. Monson, ""I Will Not Fail Thee, nor Forsake Thee""

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"Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass."  —Thomas S. Monson, ""I Will Not Fail Thee, nor Forsake Thee""

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And finally, if you're a song person like me, there is a song that I like by Laura Story, called Blessings.  Here is a link to a video if you want to watch it and the lyrics are below.



We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if each promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win, we know
That pain reminds this heart,
That this is not, this is not our home.....
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

What if my greatest disappointments,
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.
What if trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?

Book of Mormon Scripture Reading with a Study Guide

I found a great resource online a couple of months ago.  A woman named Heather Martinson put together a Book of Mormon Study Guide for her 11 year-old son.  Then, she made it available online for others to download.

Her copy was an awesome idea and a great start, but I decided to go through and edit the format a little and add pictures from the church's website.

I really like that Sister Martinson (I am acting like I know her, but I have never met her) broke out the reading into do-able sections.  None of them are lengthy and we are usually able to get through each section, with discussion time, in about 15-25 minutes depending on how long-winded Nathan and I get.

After I had finished formatting, I printed copies for each person in my family (minus Clara) and put them in 3-ring binders.  This is what we now use to study scriptures each morning.  Since Sister Martinson is planning to publish this one day and has copyrighted it, I don't think it would be appropriate for me to post my version of her study guide here for you to download.  If you want it, you can comment with your email address or email me and I will send you what I have.  Or you can just jump over to her site and download her version (It is a word document).

We gather around the kitchen table each morning with our scriptures, study guide binders, and colored pencils and read and discuss a section.  Each section has questions to answer and ideas to think about.  We answer the questions and talk about what we are reading. When we read Lehi's dream, the kids drew what they were hearing in their binders.  There is also a map, a timeline, a heros/anti-heros, and a progression chart that comes along with the study guide.

The kids seem to be enjoying it and I hope that they are learning more than if we just read a chapter each morning.

If you do decide to start studying the Book of Mormon with her study guide, she would really appreciate feedback:

I realize there are many misspellings and common typing mistakes in this version of the study guide. I am working on those. The input that is most valuable to me right now is the content. My son once told me that it's a little frustrating sometimes when the study guide only echos what the Book of Mormon teaches without giving any new information. He also mentioned that there are some passages that aren't discussed in the study guide and wishes there was something there. This is the kind of input that is most valuable to me.

What I Was Given For Mother's Day

I know, it's not anywhere near Mother's Day today.  But I wanted to share what Nathan made me for Mother's Day this past May.

I like to write notes when I am reading the scriptures, lots of notes.  I like to add quotes from Apostles and other general authorities while I read.  

Unfortunately for me, as they are, the scriptures do not have a lot of space for writing.  I usually end up writing what I can in the margins or at the end of a verse, but most of the time I end up gluing a piece of paper in the binding and writing what I wanted to write on that.

When I explained my dilemma to my mother, she would tell me to just write smaller.  So I tried that and I could never read what I wrote and the pens would bleed and the letters would run together.  

So one day while I was online, I came across a genius idea.  A wide margin Book of Mormon!

photo credit

 I pinned the link and kind of forgot about it.

Until I started reading the Book of Mormon against this past March.  As I read I again became frustrated there there wasn't room for what I wanted to write.  Well, Nathan listened and on Mother's Day he presented me with this:

It took a lot of paper and he went through an entire black ink cartridge.  He whipped up a cover and then he headed over to Kinkos where they put a plastic front and back cover and the binding on for about $7.

And then it sat on my nightstand for another 4 months.  I was well into my current copy of the Book of Mormon by the time I received this gift and I wanted to finish marking that particular book for that reading.

I know, I am very strange.  I'm glad that my husband was patient and understanding with me about not wanting to use his VERY thoughtful gift.... yet.

But now that I've finished, I have started reading again with my wide margin book and I feel like I finally have room to stretch my legs.

My Thoughts After Finishing the Book of Mormon

Just for the record, I have read the Book of Mormon before.  When I finished reading it a few days ago, I did not have the kind of spiritual witness that we like to hear about.  I did not feel a sudden warmth that enveloped me.  I did not hear a voice say, "It's true!".  I did not experience an angelic visitation. So what did I feel?

The day that I finished reading the book, I knew I would be finishing it.  I even cut myself off earlier the night before because I knew I wanted to reserve the end for another time.  So, I left Moroni chapters 8-10 for the next day.

I knew I would be reading this passage that night:

3 Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how ^amerciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ^bponder it in your ^chearts.

 4 And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ^aask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not ^btrue; and if ye shall ask with a ^csincere heart, with ^dreal intent, having ^efaith in Christ, he will ^fmanifest the ^gtruth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. 

 5 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may ^aknow the ^btruth of all things.

As I said earlier, I've read the Book of Mormon before, a couple of times.  I have asked my Heavenly Father before about the truthfulness of this book.  I will probably always do this each time I finish reading it - I will ask again to reaffirm my testimony.

Fast-forward to the next day.  After work I came home to fulfill my other job as Mother.  There were kids to get to football practice, pages of homework to check and tuck safely into backpacks, kids to feed, a remodeling job to clean up, and family home evening to attend to.

The details of how the evening progressed aren't as important as my response to them and the end result, so I'll bypass all of those details.  Suffice it to say, by the time I was ready to sit down and finish reading the Book of Mormon, I had lost my temper and spoken unkindly to a couple of my children and there was unrelated tension between Nathan and I.

As I pulled out the scriptures to read, I knew that there were things that I would need to do before I started to read.  I said a prayer and asked Heavenly Father to forgive me for yelling at my kids.  I asked him to forgive me for my role in the tension between my husband and I.

I finished my prayer and got up.  I needed to make things right with my kids.  I went to them, told them it was wrong for me to lose my temper and speak unkindly.  I apologized and told them that I loved them. I went to Nathan and apologized.

Then I sat down to read.  When I was finished, I sat there quietly.  Listening, pondering... listening.  Waiting for my answer.  You know what I felt?

Nothing.

Honestly, I was disappointed and confused.  I had done what I needed to do to be able to feel the spirit and I got nothing??

The next evening after the kids were all tucked into bed, I confided in Nathan my disappointment and confusion about my experience.  I knew I wouldn't have an angelic visitation or hear a voice of thunder proclaiming this book to be God's word, but why hadn't I experienced at least a small burning in my chest?

As Nathan thumbed through the pages of the Book of Mormon that I had been reading for the last 5 months, he turned to a couple of pages and asked me what all of my "rainbow" markings meant.  I told him that they were things that I liked.

"Why do you like them?" he inquired further. I told him they were things that provided instructions for a better, happier life.  They were warnings and cautions against iniquity and bondage.  They were passages that brought to mind a time in my life when I had felt the spirit strongly.  They were messages that burned within my heart when I read them.

And maybe by divine providence, he stopped on this page.  2 Nephi 4:15: "For my soul delighteth in the scriptures, and my heart pondereth them..."

Where I had written something I knew to be true about myself.  "Truth is often felt before it is understood."

I had also glued a piece of paper into the binding with a thought from Harold B Lee.

Harold B Lee described the growth of a testimony as the process by which a person's heart tells him things his mind is yet to understand.

So often in my life I feel things deep inside the corners of my heart before I even know how to wrap my brain around them or put them into words.

I am not a thinker.  Don't get me wrong here, I am not saying that I am stupid, I've just never felt that I have gained much from sitting and thinking about something for a long time.  My husband has never accused me of being logical or reasonable.  Good or bad, I am ruled by how I feel.  My actions and thoughts and desires are based on what my heart tells me.

So, although I hadn't physically felt anything that night, what had my heart told me?  As I sat talking with Nathan and pondering on the things he was saying, I realized that when I finished the Book of Mormon that night I had felt something.  

I felt stillness.  Stillness within my heart.

Stillness in my heart is not the same as sitting still or being still.  Anyone can sit still for a few minutes, but to feel still inside, well that is completely different.  I didn't need to feel a burning that night because I had been feeling and learning the truth for the last 5 months as I read.  That night I just needed to feel still.

Sometimes I think that the often quoted scripture about stillness only applies to times of trouble or sorrow.  But this experience reminds me that anytime I can feel stillness in my heart, I can feel God and know truth.  I can know it even if I can't explain it or understand it fully.

I don't know if these thoughts technically qualify as a testimony that I know the Book of Mormon is true and is the word of God, but it is all I can verbally (by way of typing) express right now.