Don't pull the Trigger

The other night I accomplished something amazing!  It might not be amazing to anyone else, but it was amazing to me.  I recognized one of my triggers and I didn't act on it.

I had just gotten home from work so I was hot, tired, hungry and I was feeling a little disconnected from the hubby - the beginnings of a "perfect storm".

I went downstairs to check on the kids and get some needed items from our storage room.  On the way down the stairs and to the storage room, I passed

• The unpainted, but patched holes in the walls
• The broken light switch plate
• The broken door on the entertainment center
• The unpainted corner moldings
• The major mess I could see peeking out at me from the toy room.

I almost yelled for the kids to "come and clean up this disaster", when I stopped myself.  I don't know if I ws just too tired to deal with it just then, or if something else sort of took over.  But I do remember thinking, "This isn't a big deal right now.  It can wait.  You can choose to just close the door and not look at it."

So that is what I did.  I shut the door. Do you understand what I just said!  I just shut the door!  I shut that door and walked away from the scattered legos and trio blocks, dumped board games and card games, and abandoned dolls strewn across the floor in the toy room.  

By the time I walked back past some of our home's "problems" and I was back upstairs seated on the pitiful torn leather couch in my kitchen, however, I was almost in full meltdown again. I could see the unfinished, uncaulked, unpainted baseboards staring at me.  I could hear the missing trim from the bottom of the cupboards screaming at me from across the room. I could hear the unpainted column taunting me... "Your house will never be beautiful.  There will always be projects you can't finish.  You aren't in control of your world!"

Normally, at this point, I would throw myself into a cleaning tirade, demanding that everyone in the house "get out here and start cleaning this place up!!"  But instead I sat there on the couch, and instead of reacting to what I was hearing, I sat there listening to my inner dialogue.  It was an interesting experience. For once, I felt in control.  I was controlling the crazy lady who lives in my brain.

As I sat there, I told that crazy lady to calm down.  I told her that all of those things that are bugging me about my home take time and money; time and money that I am currently using for other goals.  I reminded her that I never thought the patch job on the kitchen ceiling  would get fixed, but it did.  It just took a while (7 years, but who's keeping track...).  As I sat there and allowed myself to listen to and calm the crazy voice, I felt calm.  I wouldn't say that I felt better about the unfinished projects and the mess, but I didn't feel overwhelmed.  

After I felt calm enough, I turned and told Nathan what had just happened.  As I began, I could see the dread in his face as I started explaining how the unfinished projects had started nagging at me.  All the poor man deals with are people's unfinished projects!  That and he is very familiar with the crazy lady.  But I explained to him how I had calmly dealt with those pesky nagging projects.

This whole experience left me feeling empowered.  It helped me see that even though there are some things in my world that I can't control, my world is not out of control.  And it makes me feel like I have the ability to control that crazy lady the next time she decides to make an appearance.  

Does it matter that I made the kids clean the toy room the following day?