Thoughts on Holiness

A short talk I gave at our Stake Sister's Conference in March 2023.

credit

The question, “What would a holy woman do?” causes a bit of uneasiness within me. In my fallen brain, this question can lead me to comparison and lack. As a recovering perfectionist who struggles to see and value my contributions, I constantly battle feelings of being enough. However, I desire with every bit of my soul for holiness.

For me, holiness is the process of seeking and submitting to the enticings of the Holy Ghost to guide my thoughts, words, and actions. Then trusting my heart to Jesus Christ to be transformed through the grace and mercy of His Atonement.

When asked to take on this assignment, I was deep in the middle of some frustrating and stressful situations. As I continued my daily efforts to connect with Heaven, and sought holiness, my Heavenly Father took my small efforts and taught and reminded me of a few things I’ll share with you.

First, I need to recognize and acknowledge that in many ways I am already a holy woman—more than I give myself credit for.

Second. I will look up rather than around at others. I will seek my Father’s will and validation in my pursuit of holiness.

Third, Holiness is about my focus on Jesus Christ and the condition of my heart.

Fourth, I lack, and I will continue to lack. That binds me to my Savior. During this holiness exercise, and due to some of the circumstances I mentioned earlier, for several days, I found myself terribly off-course mentally and emotionally, even though I pleaded for strength, patience, peace, and perspective. I accept that I stumble because of my weakness. I will trust in the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and move forward.

Fifth, Holiness is not an event. It’s a life-long process, a practice. I will continue to close the gap by yielding to the enticings of the Spirit. The Holy Ghost loves me perfectly, so I can trust the guidance I receive. 

Sisters, I doubt I’ll ever feel perfectly holy in this life. But, I will strive to become exact in my efforts for holiness. And I can repent when I fall short of that goal. I want to become like my Savior. If I know nothing else, I know He is holiness. I know He is compassionate, forgiving, patient, and merciful. Those are some of His holy qualities I want to practice with myself as I strive to become holy like He is.

My Thoughts After Finishing the Book of Mormon

Just for the record, I have read the Book of Mormon before.  When I finished reading it a few days ago, I did not have the kind of spiritual witness that we like to hear about.  I did not feel a sudden warmth that enveloped me.  I did not hear a voice say, "It's true!".  I did not experience an angelic visitation. So what did I feel?

The day that I finished reading the book, I knew I would be finishing it.  I even cut myself off earlier the night before because I knew I wanted to reserve the end for another time.  So, I left Moroni chapters 8-10 for the next day.

I knew I would be reading this passage that night:

3 Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how ^amerciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ^bponder it in your ^chearts.

 4 And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ^aask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not ^btrue; and if ye shall ask with a ^csincere heart, with ^dreal intent, having ^efaith in Christ, he will ^fmanifest the ^gtruth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. 

 5 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may ^aknow the ^btruth of all things.

As I said earlier, I've read the Book of Mormon before, a couple of times.  I have asked my Heavenly Father before about the truthfulness of this book.  I will probably always do this each time I finish reading it - I will ask again to reaffirm my testimony.

Fast-forward to the next day.  After work I came home to fulfill my other job as Mother.  There were kids to get to football practice, pages of homework to check and tuck safely into backpacks, kids to feed, a remodeling job to clean up, and family home evening to attend to.

The details of how the evening progressed aren't as important as my response to them and the end result, so I'll bypass all of those details.  Suffice it to say, by the time I was ready to sit down and finish reading the Book of Mormon, I had lost my temper and spoken unkindly to a couple of my children and there was unrelated tension between Nathan and I.

As I pulled out the scriptures to read, I knew that there were things that I would need to do before I started to read.  I said a prayer and asked Heavenly Father to forgive me for yelling at my kids.  I asked him to forgive me for my role in the tension between my husband and I.

I finished my prayer and got up.  I needed to make things right with my kids.  I went to them, told them it was wrong for me to lose my temper and speak unkindly.  I apologized and told them that I loved them. I went to Nathan and apologized.

Then I sat down to read.  When I was finished, I sat there quietly.  Listening, pondering... listening.  Waiting for my answer.  You know what I felt?

Nothing.

Honestly, I was disappointed and confused.  I had done what I needed to do to be able to feel the spirit and I got nothing??

The next evening after the kids were all tucked into bed, I confided in Nathan my disappointment and confusion about my experience.  I knew I wouldn't have an angelic visitation or hear a voice of thunder proclaiming this book to be God's word, but why hadn't I experienced at least a small burning in my chest?

As Nathan thumbed through the pages of the Book of Mormon that I had been reading for the last 5 months, he turned to a couple of pages and asked me what all of my "rainbow" markings meant.  I told him that they were things that I liked.

"Why do you like them?" he inquired further. I told him they were things that provided instructions for a better, happier life.  They were warnings and cautions against iniquity and bondage.  They were passages that brought to mind a time in my life when I had felt the spirit strongly.  They were messages that burned within my heart when I read them.

And maybe by divine providence, he stopped on this page.  2 Nephi 4:15: "For my soul delighteth in the scriptures, and my heart pondereth them..."

Where I had written something I knew to be true about myself.  "Truth is often felt before it is understood."

I had also glued a piece of paper into the binding with a thought from Harold B Lee.

Harold B Lee described the growth of a testimony as the process by which a person's heart tells him things his mind is yet to understand.

So often in my life I feel things deep inside the corners of my heart before I even know how to wrap my brain around them or put them into words.

I am not a thinker.  Don't get me wrong here, I am not saying that I am stupid, I've just never felt that I have gained much from sitting and thinking about something for a long time.  My husband has never accused me of being logical or reasonable.  Good or bad, I am ruled by how I feel.  My actions and thoughts and desires are based on what my heart tells me.

So, although I hadn't physically felt anything that night, what had my heart told me?  As I sat talking with Nathan and pondering on the things he was saying, I realized that when I finished the Book of Mormon that night I had felt something.  

I felt stillness.  Stillness within my heart.

Stillness in my heart is not the same as sitting still or being still.  Anyone can sit still for a few minutes, but to feel still inside, well that is completely different.  I didn't need to feel a burning that night because I had been feeling and learning the truth for the last 5 months as I read.  That night I just needed to feel still.

Sometimes I think that the often quoted scripture about stillness only applies to times of trouble or sorrow.  But this experience reminds me that anytime I can feel stillness in my heart, I can feel God and know truth.  I can know it even if I can't explain it or understand it fully.

I don't know if these thoughts technically qualify as a testimony that I know the Book of Mormon is true and is the word of God, but it is all I can verbally (by way of typing) express right now.

Patience is an Attitude

The other day I stumbled across this quote on Pinterest.  I was intrigued by it.... very intrigued by it actually. These words kept coming back to me over the course of the next few days. 

Anyone who knows me well knows that I would not be considered a patient person. 

I do not like to wait... for anything.

I do not like things that "just take time".

I do not like to "wait and see how it turns out".

I do not like to be hungry.

I do not like to repeat myself over and over with my children.

I do not like to slowly work out from under debt.

I do not like to sew - way too much patience involved with that hobby.

I do not like to wait for my children to get their chores done.

I do not like to wait for my husband to give me his full attention :)

I can be a very deliberate and instinctive person.  I don't like to wait around.  If I'm going to do something, I do it.  Get it taken care of.  Be done with it.  However, there are a lot of things in life that don't work when they are rushed.  There are a lot of things that simple cannot be rushed no matter how badly we would like to move them along. For example, my body cannot create another life without working on it for 39-40 weeks.   I cannot make my clothes washer and dishwasher go any faster or my clothes and dishes will not be clean. As much as I'd like to sometimes, I cannot make an 8-hour work day go any faster than 8 hours.  There is something we are meant to learn from our waiting or a reason for time passing.

I realize that patience is NOT one of my innate virtues.  It is something that I need to work at.  I used to pray and ask Heavenly Father for patience.  I quickly stopped because it seemed that instead of helping me to gain patience, He, instead, gave me opportunities to learn patience.  Um, no thank you.  I do not like to wait, remember?  That is why I am asking for patience NOW!

So, I stopped praying to be patient with myself, the people in my life and the situations in my life that were not the way I wanted them to be.  Instead, I prayed for strength.  Strength to endure and improve strained relationships, strength to endure working when I want to be home with my kids, strength to endure hard times, and strength to endure tough situations.  Even while praying for strength though, I still felt something was missing - the "endure it well" part was missing.

The past week or so, as I have pondered over these words, "Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting,". I realize that I don't need to ask for patience.  I don't need to learn patience.  I need to practice having a good attitude.  I need to pray for a positive outlook while waiting for things.  I don't need to beat myself up anymore for not being a "patient person".  I don't need to feel guilty that I am not patient.

I just need to work on my attitude towards waiting and practice being more grateful!

As a result, I have now been asking my Father in Heaven to help me be positive, help me see happiness, help me to see things from my children and my husband's perspective.  And you know what? This week has still been challenging! But I have worked really hard to keep a positive attitude.  I have not told myself "BE PATIENT!" like I used to, or berated myself, saying, "Why can't you just be patient!".  I just try to calmly remind myself to keep a positive attitude.  There have still been some weak moments, but for the most part it has been working and I hope it continues to help me.

I'm going to print out the poster, above, and put it in my room.  I know I'm going to need a reminder next week.

Don't pull the Trigger

The other night I accomplished something amazing!  It might not be amazing to anyone else, but it was amazing to me.  I recognized one of my triggers and I didn't act on it.

I had just gotten home from work so I was hot, tired, hungry and I was feeling a little disconnected from the hubby - the beginnings of a "perfect storm".

I went downstairs to check on the kids and get some needed items from our storage room.  On the way down the stairs and to the storage room, I passed

• The unpainted, but patched holes in the walls
• The broken light switch plate
• The broken door on the entertainment center
• The unpainted corner moldings
• The major mess I could see peeking out at me from the toy room.

I almost yelled for the kids to "come and clean up this disaster", when I stopped myself.  I don't know if I ws just too tired to deal with it just then, or if something else sort of took over.  But I do remember thinking, "This isn't a big deal right now.  It can wait.  You can choose to just close the door and not look at it."

So that is what I did.  I shut the door. Do you understand what I just said!  I just shut the door!  I shut that door and walked away from the scattered legos and trio blocks, dumped board games and card games, and abandoned dolls strewn across the floor in the toy room.  

By the time I walked back past some of our home's "problems" and I was back upstairs seated on the pitiful torn leather couch in my kitchen, however, I was almost in full meltdown again. I could see the unfinished, uncaulked, unpainted baseboards staring at me.  I could hear the missing trim from the bottom of the cupboards screaming at me from across the room. I could hear the unpainted column taunting me... "Your house will never be beautiful.  There will always be projects you can't finish.  You aren't in control of your world!"

Normally, at this point, I would throw myself into a cleaning tirade, demanding that everyone in the house "get out here and start cleaning this place up!!"  But instead I sat there on the couch, and instead of reacting to what I was hearing, I sat there listening to my inner dialogue.  It was an interesting experience. For once, I felt in control.  I was controlling the crazy lady who lives in my brain.

As I sat there, I told that crazy lady to calm down.  I told her that all of those things that are bugging me about my home take time and money; time and money that I am currently using for other goals.  I reminded her that I never thought the patch job on the kitchen ceiling  would get fixed, but it did.  It just took a while (7 years, but who's keeping track...).  As I sat there and allowed myself to listen to and calm the crazy voice, I felt calm.  I wouldn't say that I felt better about the unfinished projects and the mess, but I didn't feel overwhelmed.  

After I felt calm enough, I turned and told Nathan what had just happened.  As I began, I could see the dread in his face as I started explaining how the unfinished projects had started nagging at me.  All the poor man deals with are people's unfinished projects!  That and he is very familiar with the crazy lady.  But I explained to him how I had calmly dealt with those pesky nagging projects.

This whole experience left me feeling empowered.  It helped me see that even though there are some things in my world that I can't control, my world is not out of control.  And it makes me feel like I have the ability to control that crazy lady the next time she decides to make an appearance.  

Does it matter that I made the kids clean the toy room the following day? 

a new perspective and mom's fridge quote

a few days after i wrote about struggling with my priorities, a friend of mine wrote this post called "I Am Not Dead".

go to raisinglemons.com to print a copy for yourself

after reading her post and reflecting on what i had written earlier, i realized that i'm okay.  i am down and bleeding after a BUSY month. it has certainly been alright for me to lie there and bleed.  now though, it's time for me to get back up and fight
.
her post also got me thinking about the quote on my mom's fridge that confused me while growing up.  the quote read

 "Never try to teach a pig to sing.  It wastes your time and annoys the pig."  

while this can be taken both literally and figuratively, i only understood it in the literal sense as a teenager.  as an adult i'm starting to see how this applies to me and my time and efforts.

the problem with teaching a pig to sing it that pigs don't sing!  they aren't supposed to sing.  that is not their purpose.

sometimes we may want another person to understand or know something that is either beyond their limits or beyond their abilities. sometimes we want to teach someone a skill that they don't have the maturity to grasp (thinking about my kids here).  other times we think that if a person just learned to do this or that, life would be so much easier for them. sometimes we want someone to change a habit or attitude that is inconvenient or is hurtful to us.

everyone has their own talents and skills.  while organizing might be easy for me, others struggle with it.  while others can craft and sew masterfully, i can't sew a straight line.

while most of the time i believe that intentions are good, you can't teach something to someone if they are unwilling and/or unable to learn it.  and besides, just because we think that someone should master that art of whatever-it-is we are thinking about, doesn't really mean that they should and we may not even be the most qualified person to teach them.

i wonder how many pigs i am trying to teach to sing right now.  people that i think i am trying to help, but really i am wasting my time and annoying them.  how much time and energy am i investing in wasted "pig singing lessons"?

i wonder how many people are trying to teach me to sing?

found this ecard here

learning styles

i have been curious for a little while about what my learning style is.  i came across a blog post that had links to a few websites where you can take short quizzes to help figure it out.

i took the quiz over on edutopia.  turns out that i learn mostly an interpersonal learner.

i am going to make my older kids take a couple of these tests so i can figure out their learning styles.

for when you are feeling like a really bad mother

go and read this post by allison kimball.  even though her post is talking specifically about mother's day.  it applies every day of the year.  as i read her post, it struck me.... like, to my core struck me.

my favorite part of her post:

This is my warning to you Satan, father of all lies, I'm taking back Mother's day.  You can try all you want, but I won't let you hurt me anymore.  You can whisper those negative thoughts, but I'm not going to listen any more.  I know I'm not perfect. I make mistakes everyday. I know I will not measure up to the woman next door or the cousin who was just named mother of the year.  I'm not supposed to. I am me.  I am my children's mother. I have within me the ability to raise and teach them to oppose you and to follow God.  Nothing else matters.  So be warned, I will not give up, ever! I am here to stay and I'm fighting back stronger and wiser.

I will rally the women that I can. We will celebrate one another's differences and strengths.  We will band together in a mighty force that will not listen to your lies anymore.  This is my war cry. Hear me roar!

i can beat myself up as a mother quite often.  i think i've only blogged about it maybe once or twice, but believe me when i say that it is something i struggle with often.

so here i am, echoing her sentiments and joining her ranks.  satan... you're going down!

personal progress - faith value project

i recently started working on my value project for faith since i have completed the required value experiences.

After you have completed six faith value experiences, create a project that will help you practice what you have learned. This should be a significant effort that will take at least ten hours to complete. Prayerfully seek the guidance of the Holy Ghost to select a meaningful project. 

one of the suggested value projects is this:

Memorize “The Living Christ”.  As you do,consider the Savior’s influence in your life and how your faith in Him has increased.  Practice following the Savior’s example

i chose to memorize "The Living Christ".  this publication, expresses my church's witness and my own personal beliefs on Jesus Christ.

each value project is supposed to take you at least 10 hours, and this one definitely will.  i started to look around the internet for some help.

i found an awesome resource here that i decided to use, but there are some other awesome helps here and here.

then i started to memorize.  but it was slow going because i would forget that i was working on it for days at a time.

so i decided to get serious.

i downloaded an app onto my phone of the words so that i would have it with me all the time to work on.

i took the posters that i printed from "discover the scriptures" and hung them on the wall in my hallway so i would see them all the time.  they suggest you memorize one poster a week.  i'm trying to do it faster than that.

i hung up the first 4 posters

and then just decided to hang up the rest.
here are all 12 in a row, waiting for me to memorize them.

i'm currently memorizing lines from this one. I've memorized through "raising the dead."

 i'll check back in a week or so and let you know how it's coming along.

personal progress - knowledge value experience #1

completed another personal progress experience.  this time it was knowlege value experience #1.  the requirements are:

Learn about the importance of gaining knowledge by reading Proverbs 1:5; 4:7; 2 Nephi 28:30; and Doctrine and Covenants 88:78–80, 118; 90:15; 130:18–19; 131:6. Think about why you need to gain knowledge and understanding about how to apply gospel principles to your present and future home and family life. Write in your journal what you have learned about knowledge, and discuss it with a family member or Young Women leader.

in keeping with tradition, i pulled out my study journal and went to work.  i looked up each scripture and thought about why we should try to gain knowledge and how we can apply what we learn to our family life.

i wrote the references for each scripture passage you are supposed to read and then wrote what stuck out to me in the verse(s). 

that cute little "knowledge" sticker? i got it here

once i finished reading all of the scripture references and writing how i can apply what i learn to my family life, i discussed it with nathan.  the poor guy can't do anything anymore without me spouting something about personal progress or what i recently read or thought about.

personal progress - individual worth value experience #1

recently, i completed individual worth value experience #1 for personal progress.

the requirements for this experience are:

You are a daughter of Heavenly Father, who knows you and loves you. Read Psalm 8:4–6; Jeremiah 1:5; John 13:34; Doctrine and Covenants 18:10; Abraham 3:22–23; and Joseph Smith—History 1:1–20. Write in your journal how these scriptures teach you that Heavenly Father knows you, loves you, and is mindful of you.

this was a pretty basic personal progress experience.  read a handful of scriptures, ponder about how they tell you that Heavenly Father knows you and loves you and then write it down.

(note: that cute little value sticker at the top of the page, i got it here)

so i got out my study journal and wrote down what i was looking for, "how do i know Heavenly Father loves me?"

then i wrote the scripture passage and what the scripture taught me about my Heavenly Father's love.  again, this is a personal thing, so my answers might not be the same answers you get. you may write more or less than i did.

personal progress - divine nature value experience #2

several weeks ago, our mia maid class decided to work together on divine nature value experience #2 for our class activity.

here are the requirements for divine nature #2:

As a young woman you are blessed with divine feminine qualities. Increase your understanding of and appreciation for womanhood. Read Proverbs 31:10–31 and two talks on womanhood from a conference issue of the Church magazines. Review what “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” says about being a wife and a mother. Then ask your mother or another mother you admire what she thinks are important attributes for being a mother. List the attributes in your journal. Then choose one of those attributes and strive to develop it. After two weeks report your success to a parent or leader.

to prepare for our night, our class presidency reminded each girl to bring her scriptures, personal progress book, and if possible, her mother to young women's with her.  they were also encouraged to bring a copy of a recent conference talk on womanhood.

also in preparation for our activity, i made copies of "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" that were small enough to fit in each girl's study journal.  i also, printed copies of a few conference talks for each girl booklet style so that they could be glued into the binding of their study journals. 

i brought copies of these talks:

find talk here

find talk here

find talk here

at our activity we had big plans to discuss with the mothers what attributes they felt were important for motherhood, read the proclamation, and separate into groups to read the conference talks.  the girls would then decide which attributes they would like to work on for the next two weeks and we'd review with them in a couple of weeks.

we started with talking to the moms who came about the attributes they felt were important.  many of the girls took notes while they spoke.  then we started reading the family proclamation.  we each took turns reading a paragraph.  i asked the girls to stop whoever was reading when they felt like we had read an attribute of motherhood.  it was a little slow going at first - i felt like i was the only one stopping their reading to point out an attribute, but after a little bit the girls seemed more comfortable and started pointing them out on their own.  the girls brought up some great questions and we were lucky enough to have a member of the bishopric pop-in and join our discussion.  we were having such a great discussion that before we knew it our time was up!

i quickly distributed the copies of the conference talks that i had brought and went over the remainder of the value experience requirements with them to work on at home.

i finished the rest of the requirements on my own as well.

i read proverbs 31:10-31 and wrote the attributes of a wife an mother that i felt like they were talking about and wrote them in my study journal.

i read through the conference talks and marked what i felt was important relating to my role as a wife and mother.

one of my favorite quotes from Elder Holland's talk:

then i picked an attribute that i wanted to strive to develop for the next two weeks.  i chose to try and focus on, as Elder Holland put it, to "show others, including your children, the same caring, compassionate, forgiving heart you want heaven to show you..."  i also wrote a few ways that would help me in trying to develop this attribute.

i wish that i could say that i did stellar with my goal and that i accomplished it with no problems.  not so!  i've said it before, and i'll say it again. whenever i try harder to better myself, satan ALWAYS ups the ante.  that is not a reason to give up and i haven't, it just going to take a little longer than two weeks to get it right.  but i have had moments of clarity and times when i was able to listen to the spirit speaking inside me, instead of reacting with my "natural man" instincts.  it's all about PROGRESS!  it is after all called personal progress.

personal progress - divine nature value experience #1

these are the requirements for divine nature value experience #1.

What are some of the divine qualities of a daughter of God? Read “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”; 2 Peter 1; Alma 7:23–24; and Doctrine and Covenants 121:45. In your own words, list the divine qualities discussed in your reading. Think about how you can discover and develop each of these qualities. Record your ideas in your journal.

i started by printing out a copy of "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" that would fit nicely into my  study journal.  i glued it in and then i read through the proclamation, highlighting anything that told me of the divine qualities that i posses and can develop.

next, i wrote the scripture references in the side margin of my study journal.  each reference got its own color. (i like to use color!)

next, as i read through each scripture reference, i looked for words or phrases that describe the divine qualities that are given to women.  as i read each one, i listed it on the journal page in the same color that i wrote the scripture reference with. some words were in more than one of the references and so they got decorated with each color.  for example, the quality of "faith" appeared in all 3 scripture references, so it was written in blue, underlined in black and re-underlined in red.  the quality of being "humble" only was only in the reference i wrote in black (Alma7:23-24) so it only appears that color.

 when i was all done, i ended up with a whole page of divine qualities.

the last thing to do for this value experience is to think about how you can discover and develop these qualities. on the next page of my journal i wrote down a few of the ways i could do this.

how many times?

mornings are hard at my house.  who am i kidding, after school is just as hard too.  being a mom is hard and i am sure that nathan would say being a dad is also hard. he seems to do a better job of being a dad than i do at being a mom though, so maybe he wouldn't say it was hard.

how many times or days in a row can you send your children to school, leave your house and say, "well, this morning wasn't great; I'll try again tomorrow.  Heavenly Father, please help me be better tomorrow!"

i guess it comes down to how hard you really try to make yourself and the situation better the next day.  it doesn't do anyone any good just to say "i'll try harder" and then not do anything to make it better.  but i can be weak and let my "natural man" take over in the rush of getting the house straightened and beds made, the lunches and homework checked and safely secured in backpacks, the little people fed and clothed and out the door for school, and myself ready for work.

i'm frustrated today!

i'm frustrated with my struggles as a mother and my weaknesses as a person.

i'm frustrated that my job takes me away from my home everyday.

i'm frustrated that i don't have the energy, time, patience and strength to be who i want to be all the time.

i'm frustrated that i am selfish.

i'm frustrated that i am prideful.

i'm frustrated with the way i sometimes treat the people i love the most.

if you remember, i'm supposed to be trying to show more gratitude right now.  this post is not sounding very grateful.  it's sounding a bit a lot like a pity party.  i completely realize that many people have harder struggles than i am currently experiencing.  i sound like a whiner, i know.  but just because my struggles are different than someone else's struggles, doesn't mean they aren't hard things for me.

anyway, blah blah blah.....  to try harder right now, i am going to make a list of all the things i am currently grateful for to counteract all of the things that are currently frustrating me.

i am grateful for a loving husband who puts up with my craziness and loves our children.

i am grateful for a body that does mostly what i want it to.

i am grateful for jared - his passion about things and his desire to be heard.

i am grateful for isaac - his fun-loving, goofy attitude and his tender heart.

i am grateful for amelia - her desire to care for and love others and her love of pretty things.

i am grateful for clara - her need to still be constantly loved on by me and her independent spirit.

i am grateful for extended family that help my family by watching my children and loving them while i can't.

i am grateful for a job that helps to provide for the financial and temporal needs of my family.

i am grateful for my car that gets me and my family where we need to be.

i am grateful for my calling in the young women.  i'm learning so much.

i am grateful for the young women that i get to work with.  they all teach me different things.

i am grateful for warmer weather lately.  i love the warmth of the sun.

i am grateful for my home, my bed, and the food in my kitchen.

i am grateful for a few good friends who love and encourage me.

quote from here

tomorrow's a new day and i will start over and try again.  i don't know if i'd call it courage though, maybe just stubbornness. :)

personal progress - individual worth experience #2

another personal progress experience that i completed recently was individual worth experience #2.

this value experience says:

Learn about the importance of patriarchal blessings by studying about them in True to the Faith and recent conference talks. Find out why they are given and who can give them. Discuss with a parent or Church leader how to prepare to receive a patriarchal blessing and how it can teach you of your worth and identity and be a guide throughout your life. If you have not received your blessing, prepare to receive it.

as a side note, can i just say that i love the True to the Faith book!  so simple and easy to understand!

anyway, back to personal progress.  this value experience is all about patriarchal blessings; understanding who can give them, why they are given and what we can learn from them.  there was a lot of different questions to answer with this one, so i decided to take the color-code approach.

first, i underlined the different pieces of information that i was going to be looking for in my personal progress book.  each different color represent a different question or idea that i needed to find information about in my reading.

then i went to my True to the Faith book and read the section on patriarchal blessings.  i started with my green pen and underlined anything that talked about why patriarchal blessings are given.  when i came across something, i underlined it.

when i was finished reading, i picked up my blue pen and read the entire section again.  this time i looked for anything that answered the question of who can give a patriarchal blessing.  when i finished, i picked up my pink pen.  i read the section for a third time and underlined, in pink, anything that talked about how our patriarchal blessing can teach me of my worth and identity.  then i read the section for a fourth and final time with orange pen in hand.  i underlined anything that talked about how my patriarchal blessing can be a guide throughout my life.

yes, i read the section on patriarchal blessing four complete times.  it was not boring and each time i learned and saw new things.  some things were underlined with more than one color sometimes things were only underlined once.  you may see or feel differently about what you mark.  that's the beautiful thing about this program.  it is for each of us individually and personally.  there aren't really right and wrong answers.  it's about learning and growing.  here is what one section looked like after i had marked it.

after marking the book, i got out my study journal and started writing.  i took each individual question and answered it with the information that i had underlined.  i also added any notes or thoughts that i had.

the value experience then enourages you to prepare to receive your patriarchal blessing if you haven't already.  i have received mine.  i have not done it yet, but i think it would be rewarding to go through a copy of my personal blessing and use the same colors to highlight the different parts in the blessing where i am taught about my worth and identity and where i am given guidance for my life.

personal progress - choice & accountability experience #2

i figure that i am pretty safe posting this on here, because i was checking out the analytics on my blog the other day and like no one reads it except for me.  i'm fine with that.  after all, it is just for me to keep a record of things anyway.

lately i have been working really hard on personal progress.  being the first counselor in the young women's organization in my ward, i feel like i need to set a good example for the girls and complete the personal progress program myself.  i did complete the program when i was in young women's myself, but you can complete the program as an adult as well, so i figured "why not?"

anyway, i want to share some of my thoughts about personal progress and the progress i feel that i am making personally.  my blog seems like a good place for that.  maybe one day my daughters will be able to read these posts and gain a greater understanding and love for the program because they can read about when their mom completed the program.

i've completed a few of the value experiences now, but i'll just start with the one i am working on now.

Choice and Accountability value experience #2

Read the pamphlet For the Strength of Youth. List in your journal each standard of righteous behavior the pamphlet outlines, and record why it is important to choose to live those standards. Practice living righteous standards by choosing three standards in which you need to improve. You might choose to be more selective about television, music, books, or other media, or you might improve your modesty, language, or honesty. After three weeks share your progress with your family, your class, or a leader.

to start with, i pulled out my "study journal".  i don't really have a name for it.  it's not my sunday lesson journal, it's my other one.  i did as instructed as started reading the For the Strength of "You"th  pamphlet.  (note that i like to take off the "th" from youth so that it just says "you")  anyway, i started reading and wrote down the first topic heading in my journal.  as i read, i listed in my journal the standards that were outlined in that section. (note: that cute little value sticker, i got it here)

now, most of the standards listed are pretty straight-forward.  there were some things that i wrote down that might be considered "my interpretation" of a standard.  that's okay, personal progress is personal - for you!

this next part can also be written in your journal, but instead i decided to actually underline the passages in the pamphlet.  you need to identify why it is important to live the standards.  in the front of my For the Strength of "You"th, i have written the following with different colors.  i am sure as time goes on that i will add more colors, but this is what i have for now.

then, i went through the book highlighting the different reasons it was important to live the standards with my lime green pen.  again, everyone will likely underline some of the same things and some different things.  this is personal progress and what makes something important to one person will be different for another.

once you've read through the entire pamphlet, listing the standards for each section and identifying why it is important, then you are need to choose 3 standards in which you need to try and be better.

i chose gratitude - specifically having a spirit of gratitude in all i do and say.

i also chose, language - specifically avoiding gossip and speaking in anger. and the third thing also falls under language, do not use profane, vulgar or crude language.  

here's where it gets dicey.  i'm not perfect!  sometimes that is really hard to admit. i'm sure most people already know this about me, but it is easy to fool ourselves into thinking that people only see what we want them to see.

anyway, i get mad and when i get mad, i tend to yell at my kids and my hubby and the dog, etc...  i need to not do that.  also, when i get mad, i don't use good language.  i have gotten a lot better, but it is still sometimes a struggle.  so these are the things that i am going to work on over the next three weeks, and hopefully longer, but for this value experience  three weeks is the minimum time you are supposed to try and improve in these areas.

i made a couple of little sticky notes for myself to remind me of the standards i am trying to live better.  i have placed them in strategic places where i will see them often.  i am also praying daily for strength and help with these areas that i want to improve.

in about three weeks, i'll let you know how it's going!

the battle for my children

sometimes things (meaning the kids, the jobs, the household, the marriage, the dailyness of all of it) can be really hard.  sometimes i feel really alone in my struggles as a mother and wife.  i know that most mothers feel the same way i do sometimes. it is hard when you are right in the middle of a situation to see that anyone outside of your immediate view knows how you are feeling.  i've had a few conversations lately with women around me that tell me that i'm not doing everything wrong and that the things my family struggles with are pretty normal.

lately, my challenges have been with my parenting skills and with a couple of my children.  trying to raise responsible, healthy, strong (mental, not necessarily physical) children who have a testimony of Jesus Christ is exhausting. but i also feel mentally and spiritually stronger lately than i have in a while ever!  sounds strange, but i think i'm slowly winning the battle for my children's souls and that makes a certain person a little angry, so he's putting up a good fight.

my kids are good kids.  they try hard, most of the time. but we all have our days when we are tired, stressed, and not on our best behavior.  it's not too long before screaming, crying and tantrums ensue.

my children may not grow up and inspire thousands, or be known worldwide, or make a notable "list", but i think they are pretty neat.  i'll keep working and trying and so will my kids and so will that man i married.  my kids are worth it.... and so am i.